The Said and The Unsaid
by Ravenclaw-Rose
Summary: One shot. After Clyde's death, Paddy reflects on the events that lead them to that moment as Aaron tries to come to terms with the passing of the best friend he ever had.


**Disclaimer:** Emmerdale, Aaron, Paddy, Jackson and Clyde are not mine. If they were, things would have worked out very differently tonight.

RIP Clyde. A small tribute to two of my favourite actors, Dominic Brunt and Danny Miller.

**The Said and The Unsaid**

Three stone cold cups of tea stood on the coffee table. That night's food was still frozen in the fridge. The clock showed quarter to two was fast approaching.

But Paddy Kirk did not move from the sofa.

He wondered over the years he had spent as a vet how many animals he had had to put down. Hundreds maybe now? How many times had he told a family there pet had had a good life and it had been for the best? How many times had he tried his best to save them?

But if he had done it so many times then why did that time hurt so much?

Clyde...

Had he missed something? Did he try his best? Was there something else he should have done?

The animal's corpse was now cold in the surgery. But the house felt colder without him. And the weight of guilt he had on his shoulders was unbearable.

How many times had he thought 'right, this is it. Aaron and me are at rock bottom now... things will look up.' When Chas had walked out, when he had had the party and destroyed the house, when Aaron had given him a beating, when they had gone to court, and (most terrifying of all) when Aaron had tried to take his own life...

But no. In spite of every good intention the pair of them had ever had they had hit a new low that night. Clyde had been one of them. He had been part of their makeshift, but happy family. The coolness on his cheek told the vet he was crying again, but that was not going to bring Clyde back was it?

Aaron had gone to bed or at least upstairs not so long after it had happened. Jackson had gone with him. And he was alone with his guilt.

The only good thing to come out of that night was when Aaron had said what he had about him being better than his dad was. Paddy didn't care anymore what anyone else said. He was Aaron's dad. No one could or would take that away from him. His son was the most important thing he had ever had in his life. He had loved Emily and Mandy and Chas too for that matter... but the love a man felt for a women was not as important or as lasting as the love a parent felt for their child.

Nothing either of them could do would break there bond. He would love his son till his dying day.

Sighing, he lay back. It was all such a mess. And it was not just Clyde he felt guilty for. It was Aaron.

He had had no way of knowing eighteen years ago a baby boy had come into the world. He had had no idea there was a child out there who needed him more than anything else. He had had no way of getting to him in time.

But for that, he was never going to forgive himself.

The night Aaron was born he should have been there. Chas and Gordon... how could they watch him come in to the world and then leave him?

He didn't understand them. He envied them being there and he hated for what they had done to their son. What they had done to _his_ son. _His_ boy. He pitied them too though. Aaron was never going to trust or look up to them in the way he did him. They'd never know how it felt to have him turn to them when the cards were down.

But it didn't change the way he felt... nothing would absolve the guilt he felt for not getting to him sooner. As nothing was ever going to take Aaron's guilt away for his actions that day. Clyde's death would be with him forever.

"You're still up?"

He jumped and turned to see Aaron looking at him through red rimmed eyes. He hadn't slept though. Standing there, he looked like the little boy Paddy knew he was. The hard man act was dropped. The scared little boy he had met when he had come out was back.

Paddy nodded and Aaron crept over to him, taking a seat next to him on the sofa.

"I should have listened to you. And I'm sorry."

"Yes... you should've and I know you are. But it's done now. And I don't think I can punish you as much as you're going to punish yourself for this so ..." Paddy had been good never with words. He didn't want Aaron to punish himself. But he had to know he had started off this chain of events... but then he did. He just had to think. "Actions have consequences mate. You have _got_ to use your brain. Believe it or not you're quite a bright lad when you do."

Aaron nodded as a tear fell from his eye. He looked as if he wanted to reply... but there were no words for either of them.

Paddy did the only thing left to do and pulled the lad into him again. Aaron's whole body shook as he cried for his first best friend. Clyde had been as messed up as he had been, and yet when he had given him affection and attention he had been as soft as the bottom of his pocket. He had never questioned him; never judged him; never, ever left his side when he had been in the house. Always been pleased to see him.

He had loved him. And the feeling was mutual.

But he was never going to jump up at him to welcome him home from the garage again. They were never going to go out on another walk. Never just going to sit together watching TV and chilling again. And he was going to be so missed.

Aaron ached all over. He just wanted his mate back. But there was no one on earth who could give him back to him.

He knew Paddy had done all he could. He knew he had done his best. And he had done the right thing by Clyde. In his heart, he knew if he had let him live he would have faded away and suffered while he did it. He didn't want him to have suffered. And if Paddy hadn't been able to save him, then no one could have.

"I'm-m so s-sorry, Dad."

"Shh, son its ok. I know you are...I'm here now. Always will be."

In morning it would be as if nothing had happened. They wouldn't mention it and he'd go back to being Paddy. But that moment, when his son had first called him dad, would live with the vet forever.

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